THE SECRET VEGAN

THE SECRET VEGAN is a project I've created for myself wherein I become a Vegan (I love how I can capitalize "Vegan" just like it was "Martian" and it still looks and sounds okay.) while simulataneoulsy attempting to follow the teachings of the Oprah Winfrey-endorsed, success-affirming, explosively popular self-help book "The Secret" for thirty days. Because I firmly believe ANYONE can do ANYTHING for thirty days.

"Why am I doing this?" you ask. (or perhaps you do not ask, but still, I will tell you. I've never let a little thing like a person's lack of interest in my life stop me from telling them all about it).

Well, you see, I am miserable. There. I'm not afraid to say it. And I, for one, am willing to do anything at this point not to feel this way. Veganism IS an extreme dietary lifestyle but I know I need something extreme. I'm at least twenty-five pounds overweight, bloated, and dependent on handfulls of various over adn behind the counter drugs to get myself through the day (and night). I'm sedentary and I'm sad. Guess what? I'm also unemployed and broke. So...feel better about yourself yet?

Let's start with veganism.

VEGANS. I know. I hate them, too. The word conjures up images of determinately precious, waifish oddballs and stick-thin bearded misfits, stricken with the parlour and viguour of a Victorian Consumptive, always moaning and wailing about they can't eat this and they can't eat that, clutching their stomachs, swooning onto a fainting couch. These people don't eat meat or drink milk or even nibble on cheese or fry up eggs because for God's sake, they're better than that. They are so very above that sort of thing. Above YOU. Bleh. Why would anyone want to associate with such tedious pretention? What incurable bores. What woefully demanding house and dinner guests. What fun they must be to drag around a city, desperately seeking ethically and nutritionally sanctioned nourishment. Shudder. No thank you.

But here I am, extremely overweight and pretty depressed about it. Postponing endeavor after endeavor because of my disatisfaction with physical state and the embarrassment it causes me. The difficulty I have lugging myslef around in the heat is startling. The overwheming fatigue I feel from the moment I awaken interferes with my daily affairs. It wears upon one.

I slowly realize that the contemptuous picture I've had of Vegans is so far is unfair and largely comes form my own jealousy and ignorance. And fear. We fear and mock what we do not understand and what is different from the societal norm. And we fear failure. It is a strict diet, what if one wasn't able to adhere to it? One more log would get tossed into the blaze that is the failure inferno. Oh, how it roars. But these flames are built of my own imagination and can never consume me. The failure fire is easily stamped out. Then the embers of success can glow in it's place.

Since some of my best friends, despite their oddballishness and incouragible misfitting, as well as some of my favourite actors and musicians have embraced veganism, I figure so can I. All these people do not seem to suffer from the dreaded giant buttock and jiggly thigh affliction that has hithertofore stricken me so, and thus i figure, why not give their way a whirl?

Anything's got to be better than what I have been doing lately (which is nothing) and anyone can do anything for thirty days. I repeat once more, ANYONE can do ANYTHING for thirty days. I will KEEP repeating this to myself when I feel challenged. Like a shaky drunk trying to make it through his "one day" without booze, I will likewise be with my soy lattes and ezekial bread, trying to make it through my "one month." I know I can do it.

Right-o? Right-o, then.

Oh yes, and "the Secret." What utter balderdash and cheeky, blasphemous poppycock, the rational mind thinks. Who of sound temper would believe such foolishness?

"The Law of Attraction." OH REALLY? It IS?

"Thoughts become Things." DO THEY now? REALLY? They do?

First, pertaining to the "Law of Attraction:" How is this a "Law?" Laws are laws because they are true whether you believe in them or not. You don't have to believe in gravity, but take a leap of the ledge of your apartment building and you will fall. Alas, yes, whether you believe in gravity or not. Ta-da. Gravity is thus a "Law." Drugs are illegal. Whether you believe they should be or not, it doesn't matter. Smoke them in front of a police officer and you will go to jail. Ta-da. Once again, there is an example of a "Law" in action.

But the Law of Attraction works differently. It requires both "belief "and to a certain extent, suspension of beliefs. So how is it a "Law?"

You are told that positive beliefs attract postive outcomes. It works a lot like faith. You believe that something will work out for the best and it does. Sigh. I confess, it's difficult for me to believe this. This is true somewhat, but you know you can believe you deserve an "A" on a test all you want, but if you don't study for it or at the very least show an initial aptitude for the subject, guess what? You will fail. You will not get your "A," unless you're lucky or you cheat. Time and time again this will prove to be true. A lack of preparation will generlaly cause calamity or disappointment. Positive outcomes DO definitely start with belief, but believing alone does not usually beget achieving.

Second, "The Secret" says that "Thoughts becomes Things." Maybe. I'm thinking of a Jaguar in my driveway. Surprise, surprise when i walk outside it is not there. There are ten thousand actresses in Los Angeles who think they are the next Meryl Streep. Two might have a shot at becoming this. What about the ones who don't? What of their thoughts? Are they not as legitimate and as the two who did? What the matter, did they not "think hard enough?" Where there is limited opportunity there is likewise limited reward. If someone wins, someone has to lose. SO not everything you set your sights on is available to you by virtue of the fact that someone else may have marked it for themselves, who is every bit as determined as you are. So to a certain degree it's probablity and chance. But I will give you that in order for something to have existed in a physical state or in an unspoken or expressed ambiiton in the first place it had to have originated in thought first. So you got me there, Secret. Kudos.


Okay, okay enough with this sarcasm and cynicism. If I'm going to give this a decent go I have to really try it out and try hard. It doesn't hurt to try. And who knows, there are milky pearls hidden in even the rockiest oyster beds so we shall see!

One never knows....